While I've been sporadically writing this thing over the past couple of years, I've always kept one inviolable rule largely intact; which is that I never comment on certain aspects about my personal life here. There are certain parts which I've gladly and anonymously shared, and to a small extent, that was sort of what I was going for. (I'm a pretty good self-editor). I was able to have a blank canvas, and & utilize my high-school-dropout-brain to try something that would be worth spending a couple of minutes a week reading, and hopefully a little entertaining for both you and me. I think for the most part, I've been at least in my mind, been moderately successful. But when broaching the subject of my REAL personal life - which is buried deep down inside that is only whispered into a lover's ear, or confessed to someone of the utmost discretion - I've always preferred to keep things very private and very personal. I've always thought that if I had a real problem, I could call up a couple of trusted friends or even more easily - I could just dummy up and keep my big mouth shut, smile politely and come out (at least on the outside), none the worse for wear.
Today though, I'm going to bend that rule just this once.
I've been seeing someone important for a while, and it all collapsed this week. I kept shutting this person out, and it was more due to my own fears & insecurities than for anything else. After some serious self-examination, I realized that I might have been alone too long, that I might have missed my chance, that my bad habits from years of self isolation / the loss of people close to me etc., might have taken their toll. And now when something good was staring me right in the face, I couldn't conjure up the words to talk to this person about it. The worst thing is I still can't. I can write it. I just can't say it to anyone. Which, if you knew my friends, they would be shocked hearing that sentence from my mouth.
Last Sunday, this person had every right to ask me about what our future plans were , and I couldn't answer.
This Thursday, when I finally manned up enough to show up at her place, this person had every right to tell me she had been crying for 3 days. I still couldn't give a good response, because I let her down.
Yesterday was my birthday, and I spent it alone. We were supposed to be having dinners & brunch with my friends. I let both; her and them down, I deserved it too. I wanted to tell her about how great she is, about how much I love that picture on her fridge, about how scared I am of the future, and deep down inside she could be my future - yet I couldn't muster up the words that were inside, me, when we both needed to hear them the most.
So today was the start of another year, and if my past history is anything to go by - can't say as I'm looking forward to the next 12 months. Sure, I've left my job, and am starting my new thing. That's cool and everything - but along with the stress, pressure and global economic meltdowns that obviously cast a long shadow over my future and daily operations - Bravado is overrated. I suppose that the worst thing about this whole debacle is that I hurt someone who most certainly didn't deserve it. The only thing she did was to come to me with an honest heart & offer me everything. Being cavalier with someone's feelings has never really been my strong point, and it's made me take a long, hard, rather unpleasant look at myself.
The Great Lucinda Williams, on her album entitled "West" (Rel. February 2007) had a song called "Are you Alright?" She wrote it after the breakup of a long relationship, and during same time, her mother had passed away. It is a tender song that as Rolling Stone put it as: "Rides a deep, lazy title refrain that she repeats 22 times "Are you Alright?" these words in the most commonest of language:
Are you Alright?
Are you sleeping through the night?
Do you have someone to hold you tight?
Do you have someone to hang out with?
Do you have someone to hug & kiss you?
Are you alright?
I really hope she will be. She deserves it.
Lucinda Williams - Are You Alright
Today though, I'm going to bend that rule just this once.
I've been seeing someone important for a while, and it all collapsed this week. I kept shutting this person out, and it was more due to my own fears & insecurities than for anything else. After some serious self-examination, I realized that I might have been alone too long, that I might have missed my chance, that my bad habits from years of self isolation / the loss of people close to me etc., might have taken their toll. And now when something good was staring me right in the face, I couldn't conjure up the words to talk to this person about it. The worst thing is I still can't. I can write it. I just can't say it to anyone. Which, if you knew my friends, they would be shocked hearing that sentence from my mouth.
Last Sunday, this person had every right to ask me about what our future plans were , and I couldn't answer.
This Thursday, when I finally manned up enough to show up at her place, this person had every right to tell me she had been crying for 3 days. I still couldn't give a good response, because I let her down.
Yesterday was my birthday, and I spent it alone. We were supposed to be having dinners & brunch with my friends. I let both; her and them down, I deserved it too. I wanted to tell her about how great she is, about how much I love that picture on her fridge, about how scared I am of the future, and deep down inside she could be my future - yet I couldn't muster up the words that were inside, me, when we both needed to hear them the most.
So today was the start of another year, and if my past history is anything to go by - can't say as I'm looking forward to the next 12 months. Sure, I've left my job, and am starting my new thing. That's cool and everything - but along with the stress, pressure and global economic meltdowns that obviously cast a long shadow over my future and daily operations - Bravado is overrated. I suppose that the worst thing about this whole debacle is that I hurt someone who most certainly didn't deserve it. The only thing she did was to come to me with an honest heart & offer me everything. Being cavalier with someone's feelings has never really been my strong point, and it's made me take a long, hard, rather unpleasant look at myself.
The Great Lucinda Williams, on her album entitled "West" (Rel. February 2007) had a song called "Are you Alright?" She wrote it after the breakup of a long relationship, and during same time, her mother had passed away. It is a tender song that as Rolling Stone put it as: "Rides a deep, lazy title refrain that she repeats 22 times "Are you Alright?" these words in the most commonest of language:
Are you Alright?
Are you sleeping through the night?
Do you have someone to hold you tight?
Do you have someone to hang out with?
Do you have someone to hug & kiss you?
Are you alright?
I really hope she will be. She deserves it.
Lucinda Williams - Are You Alright
2 comments:
Hi. I'm from Brazil. I'm going to translate something for you, kinda roughly. In portuguese it would go like this:
"A comodidade como concepção do mundo! O menor movimento possível, nenhuma perturbação. Aqueles que, dessa maneira, amam o conforto, jamais buscarão ali, onde não exista algo já determinado por se encontrar."
Arnold Schoenberg
"To live in comfort as the reason to live in this world! The less movement possible, no disturbance. Those who, in this manner, love comfort, will never search over there, where exists something already determined to be found"
...
So, search, where your're not meant to find a thing. And you will find something that will change you for the better.
In other words, you are moving. That's good enough for now.
Stacy Said:
I just stumbled upon your blog via a YouTube post ("Everyday" video). A lot of what you say resonates w/ me as well. Wanted to see how you were doing/feeling since your last post. During times of difficulty for me, I always seem to go back to Paolo Cohelo's "The Alchemist." An excellent, if deceptively simply, book first recommended to me after the death of my grandmother.
(I deleted this by accident)
- CDA
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