Pizza, Porn & Customer Service

It IS what you think.

I went out and had some cocktails with a friend last night, and while heading back home through the deluge of rain, it was coming up on about 11:00 PM, and after a couple of big juicy vodka martini's, my body went "Mmmmm, Pizza". Just to clarify, fast food really isn't a thing for me, it never has been really, but about once every 3 months or so, I do like to spoil myself with a particularly fine pie. In my long experience habituating the lower mainland, I've discovered two particularly fine establishments in Metro Vancouver where one could whistle up a pie of the highest pedigree. One is Martini's and the other is Maria's. They are radically different, but equally tasty. Suffice it to say that pizza-wise? They both get the job done right every time.

I've been in this resturaunt just enough where the guy at the bar (one of the sons of the owner as it turns out) now recognizes me, and always says hello. Last night, I walked in right at closing time. Actually they were closed, but had forgot to lock the door, and in I strolled. There was the guy from before behind the bar, his older brother who was the chief cook (and it showed by his manly frame that he knew his way around a kitchen - intimately) , and the other brother was there as well sitting at the bar and drinking grappa and beer. With them was a brother in law, a favorite cousin and one of their best friends. These guys are all about my age give or take, and instead of telling me to get lost - we're closed, they said "Hey - pull up a chair! Want a drink?" I said "All right", bellied up to the bar, and ordered a beer while everyone made introductions to me. "I just wanted to order a small pie to go, "No problem, what would you like?" and so it started.

As Vancouver is a strictly no smoking zone, and sadly, as I am one of those stupid morons who still do, they quickly offered me a cigarette, a light and an ashtray and they all proceeded to light up and just like me, passively, slowly commit suicide. All this in a well known restaurant on one of the busier streets of Vancouver, in plain view of windows, and of any roving Vancouver health inspector or by-law enforcement person who might have been walking by.

So, we got to talking, and I got introduced to the whole posse there. The brothers, the friends, the cousin, the brother in law etc. It was strange as hell, but these 6 guys welcomed me like I was their long lost friend. They started to offer more drinks on the house, and I kept offering to pay, but they would have none of it. Then one of the guys winks at me and says "Do you have a problem with porn?" I very quickly responded that "In no way, shape or form, could I ever have a problem with porn. In fact I believe that Porn has no business being in the bedrooms of the nation, rather in the living room on a big screen TV, where it belongs". (I ripped off Pierre Elliot Trudeau there). They all laughed, gave me another drink, and turned on the flat screen TV behind the bar to play of all things; Debbie Does Dallas. I just shook my head and started laughing. All this in a well known restaurant on one of the busier streets of Vancouver, in plain view of windows, and of any roving member of the local law enforcement who might have been walking by.

By now I'm into them for like 4 drinks, and I have a pizza on the way. Another brother excused himself and went into the kitchen and I could hear the clanging of the pots & pans, and the 3rd brother started telling me about his recent wedding, and the feast that the family cooked up for the celebration. An entire lamb. He passed me over a handful of laminated photos from the ceremony that take up permanent residence between a couple of bottles of ouzo in the glass wall where all the bottles are on display. He gleefully pointed out all the people that were in the photos to me. He spoke with exceeding warmth about his big day, his beautiful bride, and the other guys sitting beside me were all nodding their heads and saying "Yeah, that was a great day".

It was the strangest, yet coolest thing. Here is a stranger who walks in to a place at closing time. The family is all there having their Friday night drinks with their friends, and they invite me in, start lobbing cocktails at me, telling me family stories, and showing me porn!

So we're still talking, when the other brother emerges from the kitchen with 2 gigantic heaping plates of shoulder of lamb, potatoes, rice, greek salad, and all the fixin's. He put one down in front of me, hands me some silverware, and said "Eat". There was no way I could accept that, and I told him so. I was roundly chewed out by all of them. Bowing to the peer pressure, I picked up a fork and dug into this delicious lamb dinner. I offered to pay. They told me to shut up and watch the porn. I tried to be graceful and only have a bite - they told me to eat more, and gave me more booze. I said that I was here to pick a pie and didn't want to intrude, they only laughed, and shoveled more food at me. So there I sat; eating, drinking, watching Debbie Does Dallas (?), swapping stories with a bunch of guys who were treating me like family, and quite inexplicably found myself feeling so at home with this big, fat, happy Greek extended family. I was one of them, and for no other reason that I walked in after closing time, or maybe that it was what I needed. Maybe that is what they sensed. I don't know, but I'm sure glad it happened.

After a while, my pie finally arrived, and the bill came to all of $12.00. Seeing as how they had fed me an entire shoulder of lamb, and poured a ton of booze down my throat, I left them all the money I had, something like $40. The only reason they took it was to tip the kitchen dishwashers. Amazing.When I was about to leave, they all shook my hand, said goodbye, and then the bartending son said "How about a beer for the road?" I said "Are you crazy? I can't accept that, after all of this fine food & porn!". He walked over to me and stuffed an ice cold bottle of beer into the pocket of my leather jacket (at no charge, again) walked me to the front door, and wished me well, and thanked me for coming in.

The above picture is one of the laminated photos of the brother's wedding day. With the complete lamb. So to Bill, Andy & Greg? Thanks Guys. It was a helluva night, and one which I won't forget.

Every once in a while, great things happen for no reason. This was one of them. Porn included.

[Editor's Note: Forgive the iffy sound quality, its all I could find of Los Lobos doing a KICKING version of Marvin Gaye's "What's going on?" I was listening to this earlier while writing this, and it just felt right to slide in to this story]

The Cruelest Month

Not yet, anyway.

I just took this picture from one of the windows in my living room.

As you can surmise, it's beautiful in Vancouver today. It's almost like the benevolent Gods have for once smiled upon us rain-drenched wretches on the west coast, and decided to cut us all a little slack. Seeing as how I just gave my only umbrella to a bum on Davie St. during a recent downpour, I'm quite thankful for this brief respite of sunny weather. He needed it more than I did though. He was standing in the rain getting drenched with his cap in hand outside the liquor store, hoping that someone would give him some change. After giving him whatever cash I had on me, I retreated to my car, and noticed my under utilized umbrella on the floor of my back seat. I pulled it out and gave it to him and said "Here you go - I hope you can use it" and he looked at me very clear-eyed and said "Thanks Man. I sure will".

Speaking of being thankful, here's something that really blew me away: A travelling salesman tries to sell a stranger a vacuum, and winds up donating his kidney instead. "I went outside, prayed about it, called my dad and my wife," Howard remembers. "Donation was something I was called to do."

You really can't beat that for some faith restoring goodness on a sunny Saturday.

I'm also happy to report that after weathering a few storms lately, engineering has reported that all systems are operating nominally, and I have full permission to put the pedal to the metal. So I went for a walk this afternoon, and was delighted at how beautiful the fall is here. All the trees on my street are maples, and they give good color, Baby.

I remain (at least) coated in bronze, and optimistic.

Somebody very important only recently made me aware of this song - and 1) I'm eternally grateful, 2) Amazed that I've never heard it before, and 3) Happy and content as it is the perfect thing to listen to on a perfect fall afternoon.

October

Here's a few things that you may or may not know about October:

• In Canada, Thanksgiving always falls on the second Monday of October.
• According to Wikipedia; October is the tenth month of the year in the Gregorian Calendar and one of seven Gregorian months with a length of 31 days. In the northern hemisphere, October is commonly associated with the season of fall.
• Speaking of which; October is the month where the trees on my street explode with color, then then the leaves fall off the branches and die. Excellent.
  
• In Vancouver, October heralds the start of the rainy season. From now until mid-March expect it to rain every day. Here on the Wet Coast, we smile knowingly to each other and call it "Liquid Sunshine". I will though, strangle the next person who says it out loud in my immediate vicinity.
  
• October was the month all those years ago when my Mom, sick with cancer, turned the corner and began her final downward slide.
  
• October is my sister's birthday.
  
• October was the month where 6 years ago I left a woman I loved in Montreal, and moved back to Vancouver because I got boned by a "friend" on a new business venture. The friend disappeared - as about $10,000 of my money, and I had to return back to the coast. Broke, staying with friends, and searching to figure out a way to put my picture in the dictionary besides the word "humility". Merriam Webster also never called me back. Bastards.
  
• Speaking of which, October was the only month where I've ever done a "Midnight Move". I was out of money, out of options, and had to come back to Vancouver. I called the moving company, and made them wait around the corner as my landlord was hanging around my building until 6:00 PM. Once he drove off, the movers came, and within 3 hours I was out of there, and en route to the Ontario border, Ottawa, and all points west.
  
• Also, October is a marvelous time to drive across this great country. The maple & oak trees decorate the Canadian Shield, I drove around a few of the great lakes, crossed the prairies, and arrived back to the west coast 4 days later. It was a shitty reason for a cross country drive, but in retrospect it was really an extraordinary experience and I'm glad I did it.
  
• David Hidalgo was born in October.
• So was Louis Bonfa.
• Che Guevera was captured by the US Special Forces & CIA, then turned over to the Bolivian Army, and was summarily whacked.
  

Today was Canadian Thanksgiving. So as per usual, I went out to Uncle Stan's place, even though I really didn't feel like it. It's a two hour round trip, and honestly I really sort of treasure my weekends especially when I'm wrapped up on my own stuff. Work and life are so demanding, I don't want to do anything extraordinary but just stay close radio contact with the mother ship. I've learned that I can only clean my house in the morning sunlight. I've also learned that I spend too much time alone. But when Uncle Stan calls, I have no other choice but to drop everything and head out there. And each time, I'm glad that I did.

I arrived in the late afternoon, and he was outside dressed in his pork pie hat, his gardening clothes, and was raking his leaves when I pulled in to his driveway. I immediately took the rake from his hand (he didn't protest) and finished his lawn. Once done, we went inside and I fixed him a drink, and he plopped into his favorite chair. I then did his laundry, my laundry, cleaned his kitchen, took out his garbage, his recyclables, and emptied his compost. Then he made me go through 2 weeks worth of newspapers to take out all the crosswords for an 80 year old lady in his church, because she doesn't like reading the paper. ("Not the New York Times one though; its too hard").

I did my good deed for the day. Come to think of it, maybe Uncle Stan was doing his.

Together, we cooked a turkey with new potatoes, asparagus, end of the year corn and cauliflower all flavored with the fresh sage, thyme, & rosemary that we cut from his garden.

Don't Stop Now

All things in life are seeming to be devolving from the more intrinsic things, towards the basic functions of human survival; food, fire, water, shelter, love, sex, and Crowded House. I know that there are probably 2 of the 3 people out there who are rolling their eyes and wondering why I just don't move on, but my response is simply "Why?". The soundtrack of our lives is indeed subjective, and I'm powerless to ignore its siren's call. So deal with it already!

This is probably my favorite song off their new album, and I'm continually inspired by the little every day life things that Neil Finn sees, and then transforms into magical pixie dust. For example "Anytime" from his first solo album was inspired by him walking his beloved dog Milla, and she ran out into the middle of the street, and almost got balled by a bus. He took that experience and turned it into something completely different about life, love and treasuring the time we have left. It started with:

"See a dog upon the road, running hard to find a cat
the truck behind us didn't know
I could go at anytime, there's nothing safe about this life
I could go at any time"

And after that deep, perfect left turn which is his trademark, ends on an entirely different meaning:

"Feel like I’m in love
With a stranger I’ll never know
Although you’re still a mystery
I’m so glad I’m not alone
Because I could go at any time"

Dude's got some serious brilliance going on. But back to Don't Stop Now.

Time On Earth was supposed to be his 3rd solo album, but as we all have heard by now, Paul Hester's suicide brought Neil and the guys together, and his solo record turned into a CH reunion.

As legend has it, Neil and his wife Sharon had moved to England a year or so ago to be closer to their youngest son who had been accepted into the prestigious music program of the Atlantic College in Wales. Anyway, they were driving back home, and the GPS in their car screwed up, and they got terribly lost during a huge thunderstorm. That's where the brilliance sets in; getting lost in the country turned into a plaintive song about love and optimism.

Nick Seymour, the bass player who is also a fairly accomplished artist, has done all their album art, set dec, and wardrobe. He had a huge hand in the video which features:

- A blue sea serpent eating a human, the design of which a direct reference to the sea serpent image from Olaus Magnus's book History of the Northern Peoples. This is to symbolise former member Hester being consumed by depression (symbolized by the dragon being blue) and this brought his time on earth to an early end.* (Courtesy Wikipedia).

- The line of the scissors cutting a line around their new drummer Matt Sherrod, in deference to the passing of original drummer Paul Hester, whose ghost looms large over the whole album.

- But perhaps my favorite part of this video is at the beginning of the second verse. Neil Finn sings

"God knows where the satellite's taking us
Can't see what's right in front of us
But I hang on every word
And don't stop now"

The bass guitar kicks in, and we see the car's heart-shaped headlights, lighting a path through the dark, scary forest.

I guess the reason I'm in love with this song is because you can set out one way, but end up miles from where you were originally planning, but with some luck arriving safely to a place of warmth and light.




Crowded House - Dont Stop Now

The Good, The Bad & The Horny

With my best Kelsey Grammer / Sideshow Bob voice "...Indeed."

Yep. I'm horny. Totally horny.

So horny in fact, that I'm remembering an old joke from an old HBO series called "Neighbors". It was before its time for sure, and one of the things I've always remembered about it was it's bawdy, cutting edge humor that riffed on homosexuality, AIDS, and casual sex in like, 1987 or something and in my opinion broke new ground for the stuff we are seeing and taking for granted now. That is why it was on HBO. Anyway, one of the lead characters was this flamboyantly gay neighbor, and in this episode, another character asked what the Neighbor was doing that night. He replied, "Staying home, painting a face of Julio Iglesias on the vacuum cleaner and having a good time. " Brother, If I was into appliances - I'd SO be with you.

But seriously, I'm in the middle of a marvelous melt-down. It's like my heart, body, and mind have simultaneously woken up after lying dormant underground for ages. (Editors note: For the 3 or 4 people out there who actually read this - and this also includes the 1 or 2 of you who actually know me - Don't worry. I'm not going to go all porn star on you. Not yet, anyway). In the past couple of weeks though, the wild has been calling, the bees have been buzzing, the birds dutifully chirping, and there have been those slo-motion videos of rockets bursting from their silos etc.

I suppose there is someone to thank for all of this, and I do. There's nothing like scaling that mountain of egregious irresponsibility, thus completely losing one's wits, ergo - losing control of all reality. (I specialize in this. In fact, I teach courses at the local community college on Tuesday nights). However, the fact remains that it appears that both my testicles are present & accounted for, my circulatory system is functioning well within normal parameters, and my imagination has veered towards the vivid. At the end of this though? With what's going on in the world these days - Its not such a bad problem to have.

Speaking of problems: I totally fucked up a week ago. It was a big one. Luckily though, one of my best friends who also many years ago had the unfortunate ju-ju to be a former roommate (he lived through it though, and is now happily married with a beautiful wife & has a great kid, and has fantastic career, and is living the dream - but that's not important right now - its about me after all) came into town the other night, and while we were out having some expense accounted cocktails, and after the small talk about friends & family, I looked at him, took a deep breath and said "Here's the thing...". And I told him what had been going on. All the gory details. All of my hopes. All of my dreams. All of my mistakes. Everything. It felt so good to let someone else know what's been happening with me. I'm a very private person and after carrying around all this ... stuff, It felt so good to finally spill the beans to, and look for absolution from someone I care about a very great deal, and who's opinion I value. (I should also add that a bunch of years ago when he was going through his own crisis, I cleaned up his puke, and carried him into his bed a few times. I figure we are about even now).

He looked at me and said "You know what? There's nothing to be sad about. You did what you felt was right (admittedly not showing the best judgment or timing) but you felt something that you havn't felt in a long, long time. It's good to know that you are still capable of that".

I said "I know".

Then I made him buy more drinks.

And now for something completely different, this is why The Onion totally cracks me up. Go ahead and click on it, there is some serious funny at stake:

New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love

"The vice president broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed and lurched at me as he customarily does following a heart procedure," said Reiner. "But instead of trying to strangle me, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug."

The Beatles were right after all. Love is all you need. (That, and some friends with expense accounts).

But You'll Succumb Now As I Stroke Your Back

Yep, I'm ripping off Neil Finn six ways from Sunday. But its such a great line, I couldn't NOT steal it for my own nefarious devices.

I really wanted to stay inside today, but familial duty called, and I was off to White Rock.

My Uncle Stan is good. I got out there early in the grey, rainy, drizzly afternoon, and we hung out. I stood on a ladder and got soaked in the rain while filling up a brown wicker basket full of ripe green grapes from his vines in the back yard. I cleaned his place, then cooked him an awesome dinner (if anyone ever needs a pork roast cooked with red wine & brown sugar gravy, along with steamed potatoes with fresh mint cut from his garden, asparagus, cauliflower, and the end of summer Jubilee corn on the cob - I'm the guy that you need to see). We then talked about our family. He's remarkably sharp at 88, and other than he had to doze off every 20 minutes or so, a good time was had by all. He's a special old bird, and I think the world of him.

Aside from that, recent events have really made me to take stock of what's been going on, and what should be going on. Recent events have also made me realize that I'm much more of a knuckle-head than was originally ever thought possible. It only took an End-of-the-world-sized sledgehammer blow to the temple to make me realize all this, and I only hope that I can get better and smarter as I move forward.

So. Moving forward:

I've been listening to Neil Finn & Crowded House for oh, about 20 years now, and consistently they are one of those rare pleasures of which you never tire of. The perfect pop song. The perfect lyric. The perfect time. There is always something while listening to the Neil Finn / Crowded House / Split Enz / Finn Brothers stuff in there somewhere that absolutely encapsulates what's happening in my life; when I am sitting in my living room thinking about where I'll be, or who I'll be with, or Maybe its the melodies with the completely off the wall hook that comes out of nowhere but totally makes sense. I firmly believe that if they made listening to The Beatles, and Neil Finn mandatory listening in elementary school - then the world would be a better place.

Maybe its just that Neil is the songwriter's songwriter, and we should all aspire to that sort of greatness. In our own way.

I'm the best that you know
And every time you think of me
I hope you think of true romance
And every time you want to leave
You give us both another chance